My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach.

 

Today, instead of sharing news and photos of pregnancy, I am sharing the loss of my unborn child.

I knew the bright red blood shouldn’t be there. The same day, I was supposed to be taking belly photos and journaling the progress of my pregnancy in week six.  Now, as I stared at the bright, red blood that over-took the clear water in the toilet, my stomach tightened, and my heart ached. Tears began to stream down my face.

“NO, GOD! I want to be a mother again!”

In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, called my husband, who then suggested I call OB/GYN. I called the number to the OB/GYN and let it ring through to the operator who gave my message to the doctor on call. Two minutes later the doctor returned my call.

“Is there anything I can do?” I managed to say, holding back tears.

“Unfortunately, no,” the doctor replied. “I’m sorry.”

 March 25, 2010, I’d awoken, pregnant, at 5 A.M. I’d thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his/her birth in November.

When I hung up the phone, the clock read 6:54 A.M.

And my baby was no longer living.

I called my OB/GYN after they finally opened and set my appointment for 2:10 P.M. the same day. I thought there was still a chance that I hadn’t miscarried, but I just needed verification. The OB/GYN did a pelvic exam and showed concern that I had a small uterus and a closed cervix. She decided to do a vaginal ultra-sound. It was confirmed on the ultra-sound monitor that I had miscarried. When I looked at the monitor my uterus was empty, with exception to a thin line of tissue that hadn’t passed yet.

Apparently, miscarriage is fairly common and happens in 1 out of ever y 5 pregnancies. The doctor reassured me that there was nothing I did to cause the miscarriage; it was my body’s way of dealing with an unhealthy pregnancy that was not developing. She advised us to wait at least three months before we start trying to conceive again. Three months would allow my body to replenish the nutrients and hormones that I need to have a healthy pregnancy.

Before I left the office they drew my blood to test the level of hCG (pregnancy hormone). I have an appointment in a week to have blood drawn again to make sure the hCG levels have decreased and that I have passed all the tissue naturally.

I have cried many, many tears today. And I’m sure I’ll cry many more. I have been reminded today that I have a beautiful, little boy, a loving husband, and many family and friends who will support me through this difficult time of grief.  

As I was saying good-night to my husband tonight, he said, “At least we have peace in knowing that we will be able to meet our unborn baby in Heaven some day.”

Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish.” John 11:25-26

Pregnancy Progress: Week 5

 

"There's a baby in mommy's belly!"

How far along? 5 weeks

 

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs.

 

Maternity clothes? Nope

 

Stretch marks? Nope

 

Sleep: Some. I’ve got alot going on lately, so my mind wanders aimlessly and I have a hard time sleeping. 

 

Best moment this week: Making the first doctor’s appointment. However, I got a call today and I need to reschedule. Maybe I can get in next week…

 

Movement: Nope

 

Food cravings/aversions: Not much of anything sounds very appetizing. I have to eat every couple of house or I get shaky and feel light headed. 

 

Gender: Unknown

 

Labor Signs: Nope

 

Belly Button in or out? In

 

What I miss: Energy. I feel exhausted doing the same things I was doing before I became pregnant. Oh, and I miss my memory/brain! This pregancy I am suffering from a bad case of ”Pregnancy Brain”. I had a half day at work on Tuesday, when I got out I drove straight home, pulled in the driveway and realized I forgot to pick-up my son! I’ve never forgotten him like that before. I felt like such a bad mom! Hopefully, the ”Pregancy Brain” goes away soon! 

 

What I am looking forward to: The first doctor’s appointment, watching my belly grow, feeling the baby move, and finding out the gender.

 

Weekly Wisdom: Make sure to eat every couple of hours to keep the nausea, shakes, and dizziness away. 

Pregnancy Progress: Week 4

Positive Pregnancy Test

How far along? 4 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Nope

Stretch marks? Nope

Sleep: I have felt overly exhausted lately. I lay down to sleep and my mind wanders endlessly. But that could be something to do with everything that is currently going on in my life.

Best moment this week: Finding out we were pregnant on our 4th wedding anniversary. Spending our first night away from Seth to go on an overnight date.

Movement: Nope, just gas.

Food cravings: Home-made olive burgers

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Feeding my Mt. Dew addiction. I’ve only been drinking a can a day and I’m trying to increase my water intake.

What I am looking forward to: The first doctor’s appointment when we hear the heartbeat, the first ultrasound, feeling the baby move, finding out the sex, you know…the typical pregnancy stuff.

Weekly Wisdom: Women are pretty in touch with their body, so we know when we are pregnant. My husband wanted to wait a week after my missed period to take a pregnancy test. He didn’t want to waste money on a pregnancy test that might give a negative result. I took the test the morning my period was supposed to start and it said I was pregnant. Yes, it was probably a very low amount of Hcg that was detected, but we got a positive result. And we were fortunate enough to be able to tell our parents in person.

Milestones: Finding out we are pregnant and sharing the news with family and friends.

Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate?

I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo lately. One similar to the picture above. It will be smaller and have my own unique changes. I would like a rose for each one of my grandparents who are no longer living, but alive in my heart and in memories. All of the roses representing my grandparents will be small and closed to represent the memories they hold in my heart. And then a rose for my husband and my son. Both of those roses will be open and in bloom, to represent the fullness and undying love I have for them both.

Also, I’m contemplating covering an old tattoo that have. It’s representation is of something that is no longer a “priority” in my life, like it was when I got the tattoo. A lot has changed in my life since then and I really don’t want that constant reminder of the life I was leading then. However, I’m not sure what I would get to cover it….

A genuine tattoo…. tells a story. I like stories and tattoos, no matter how well done, and if they don’t tell a story that involves you emotionally, then they’re just there for decoration, then they’re not a valid tattoo. There has to be some emotional appeal or they’re not, to my way of thinking, a real tattoo. It tells people what you are and what you believe in, so there’s no mistakes. ~Leo, tattooist, 1993, quoted in Margo DeMello, Bodies of Inscription, 2000 

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

 

It’s official, Mr. Seth Ryan is walking. He started walking on January 21st, the day he turned 16 months old. I thought for sure he was never going to walk and I would have to carry him through High School! It just seemed like he was never going to walk. He would crawl, do a bear crawl (hands and feet on the floor), and he would even stand up in the middle of the room, but he wouldn’t take any steps. Our little dare devil even had the nerve to stand up in his rocking chair….

Look ma'!

He obviously thinks it’s hilarious that he’s standing in the rocking chair, however, his mommy thinks this is not a smart move at all and he better put his butt in the chair before he gets hurt. Seconds, after the picture was taken he fell. I still don’t think he learned his lesson.

Anyway, I think we are in trouble because I know shortly his walk will turn into a run. And mom and dad are going to have a hard time catching up!

The distance is nothing; it is only the first step that is difficult.

It comes in threes.

So, this is a secret post that I’ll share with everyone as soon as the time is “right”.

Derrick and I have finally come to an agreement to try to get pregnant. However, this time around, we wanted our “trying” to be a surprise. I want you all to know that this has been very difficult for me to keep a secret.

In mid October 2009 I came off birth control. But we weren’t really planning or tracking, let’s just call it “practicing”. I was hoping that we would get pregnant right around Christmas time and we could break the news to everyone as sort of a unique Christmas Gift! However, things didn’t pan out like that for us. On Christmas Eve, I got my monthly visit from Aunt Flow.

On December 27, 2009 we got the news that Derrick’s sister, Jenny and her husband, Tim were pregnant and are expecting in August of 2010. We didn’t even know they were trying! But congrats were definitely in order.

Maybe Jenny had the same mindset that I did, when contemplating having another child. I don’t want to be over the age of thirty and trying to have another child. Not only do your chances of multiples increase the older you are, not to mention, the fact that our bodies lose elasticity the older we get, making it less easy to bounce back to our pregnancy body over the age of thirty. I think my reasoning is pretty justifiable!

On January 14, 2009 we found out that Derrick’s brother, Chad and his wife, Rebecca are also expecting their third child due September of 2010. Yet, another surprise pregnancy in the Decker family! And another congrats was in order.

It always comes in threes, so I thought for sure that this was the month I was going to be pregnant. My monthly cycle was set to start on January 21st and I was all set to take a test. I wanted to take the test on Saturday, January 16th, but Derrick insisted that I wait. “Pregnancy tests are expensive, there’s no sense in taking it before you actually miss your period.” I hesitated, but decided not take the test and at least wait until it got closer to the date my cycle was supposed to start. We enjoyed our extended weekend together and when I woke up Monday morning, my period had started. I’ll be completely honest; I was upset, heart-broke, and disappointed. I just wanted to be sharing our joy of pregnancy news with everyone else also. But it just didn’t happen this month.

In the mean time I’m sharing in the joys and blessings of all those who have recently become pregnant and those who have recently had babies! Congrats!

Things that come in threes:

•  The floating cords used to play EVERY AC/DC song
• Three Blind Mice
• Captain Kirks ears: a left ear, right ear and a final front ear
• Monkeys: Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil
• 3 R’s: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic
• Number of wheels on a tricycle
• Sides to a triangle
• Three Musketeers Triplets
• Power Puff Girls
• The Wonder Pets
• Guitar chords in punk music
• Reduce, reuse and recycle!
• The Dixie Chicks
• Celebrity deaths
• Three Little Pigs
• The Three Wise Men
• The Three Stooges
• Three Men and a Baby
• Rub-a-dub-dub THREE men in a tub
• The Chipmunks Hockey forwards
• Crappy Hollywood sequels
• Tennis Balls Trilogies
• 3 Dog Night
• Three Days Grace
• Rings in a binder
• Faith, Hope and Love
• The Holy Trinity: The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit
• Neptune’s Rings
• Amigos
• Donald Duck’s nephews – Huey, Louie and Dewey
• Primary colors
• Strikes in baseball

Prayers go up and blessings come down.

So…Derrick saw, “Doggy’s Nose to Baby’s Toes” saved under my favorites and asked what it was. I told him that it was my blog. He wondered where I got the name, “Doggy’s Nose to Baby’s Toes” and I told him I used my unique, slightly, creative side and came up with the catchy title and picture, and it talks about our day to day life. He said, “I’m going to read it!” And I said, “Go right ahead!” He began to read the blog and chuckled about my perception of what happened the other morning and couldn’t believe that I actually put that in a blog. That’s what blogs are for….everyday things: the good, the bad, and the ugly. When he finished reading, I asked what he thought and he said that I only put the bad stuff that has happened. He told me that good things have happened within the last month and I should add those too.

All of this got me thinking. I have been a little down lately due to certain events that have happened in my life, some of which are not mentioned. And they aren’t mentioned for private reasons. My husband and I are very blessed. We are blessed financially; we both have full-time, good paying, secure jobs. We have a big house with lots of room, full of furniture and appliances, and gym equipment (that never gets used). We have two new vehicles that are in working order and lots of room to transport lots of people and stuff. And we are blessed with having a wonderful family with lots and lots of love (even though I think they love our child a little more than us). We have an AWESOME God that is willing to forgive our mistakes in our day to day challenges and who also listens, no matter what time it is! We have two dogs who come back to love us even after they have been punished for being naughty. And last but certainly not least I have my husband and son, both of which I love beyond words. They both bring happiness, joy, compassion, and amazement into my life everyday! 

So, from now on, I am going to try to include more of the positive, upbeat happenings in our life.

We went and saw my friend, Heather and her new baby, Kendall Marie tonight. Kendall Marie is so precious and beautiful. But Seth wasn’t real sure what to think of the baby. He was more interested in crawling around getting into their non-baby proofed house. I told Heather and Chris that their day was going to come when they would have to baby proof their home.

We don’t have much planned this weekend. Derrick is planning on burning the rest of the brush in the backyard while I go to a jewelry party. And then we’re planning to maybe have a little fire tomorrow night. I just want to be able to relax and de-stress from the disappointments I’ve gotten this week and enjoy the sunshine. I’m sure Derrick would agree on the relaxing part.

Only 28 more days until life is a beach for a week!!!

 

We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way.  Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don’t overlook it.

Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take. You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack.

Today, I received more disappointing news. I read my e-mail before I left for work today and this is what I read:

Dear Rebecca:

Thank you for submitting your resume and expressing your interest in the current WorkPlace FSC opening 57571BR at ***. At this time, we have decided to move forward with other candidates.

Your professional growth is important. That’s why we hope you will continue to look for other opportunities that fit you life at www.***.com.

Again, Rebecca, we thank you very much for your interest in joining *** and wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

***

My heart sank once again. Two disappointments back to back. If I would have checked my e-mail last night maybe I could have had one day of pitty. But hey, why not draw out the disappointment another day.

I helped out another branch today and found out that the Office Manager of this branch got the WorkPlace FSC position. I couldn’t be upset with her. Afterall, it wasn’t her fault that they had picked her and she’s super nice, so how could anyone ever be upset with her?!?! We took some time to vent to each other about the flaws of the financial system and that made things a little better.

I came home tonight and Derrick and I discussed our troubles, difficulties, and stresses at work. I made a new recipe, pizza pancakes. They tasted okay, but not something I am going to make a habit of cooking all the time. They weren’t Derrick’s favorite. Seth had some Broccoli and Carrots. He’s cutting more teeth and has been such a cranky butt. But at least he’s got teeth! But pretty soon he’ll have enough to chew his food instead of dissolving it and then swallowing, like he does with Cheerios. 

We took a drive to try to melt our cares about work away. The first five minutes of the drive I cried, and I explained to Derrick that I felt like such a failure. I’ve been trying to work my way into a management position for almost a year. I think I set too high of expectations for myself and then when I don’t make it, I let myself down and feel like a failure. Anyway, I did end up forgetting about my problems and enjoyed the ride, although the country was entirely flat and kind of monotonous.

When I got home, I gave Seth a bath and put him to bed. It’s been nice, all I have to do is set him in his crib and he goes to bed on his own! I don’t care if he plays a little before he goes to bed, but at least he’s in bed and it can give mommy and daddy a little alone time, before we both hit the sack. Speaking of which, I need to get to bed. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a MUCH better day.

 

What’s right is what’s left after you do everything wrong.-Robin Williams

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.

I was rudely re-awakened this morning, when my husband mumbled at me that he needed to turn the bedroom light on. He mumbled because he had mouthwash in his mouth. So, I covered my head with the blankets and tried to go back to sleep. After he spit the mouthwash in the sink, he asked where all his black socks were. I knew exactly where they were, they were in my underwear drawer, because I’ve been wearing them. And I told him just that. He starts getting all huffy-puffy and I can’t remember what all he said because I was still asleep, but all I can remember is, “We’ve talked about THIS before, if you need new socks buy THEM!” At this point it upset me and I was thinking, “If you want your black socks in your dresser drawer, then YOU can do YOUR laundry, and but THEM away YOURSELF!” To spare a real big blow-up this morning I got up and went downstairs, folded some laundry, put more laundry in the dryer, fed the dogs, and let them outside. I totally avoided him, as I’m sure he did the same with me. He left for work and then I finished getting ready for work. He tends to avoid me in the morning anyway, because I’m the World’s Worst Morning Person!

My morning started to get a little better. My little man woke up talking up a storm and playing with a car he found in his crib. He was such a happy guy this morning. He was just the ray of sunshine I needed to turn my frown upside down! I just wanted to stay home with him all day instead of going to work. But I went to work anyway, because I need to be an equal contributor to my family’s income. Or at least that’s what I had to tell myself…if we want to have nice things we need to be able to work hard and pay for them.

After I got to work, I received a heart-breaking call that I was not selected for the ABM position. I was devastated. I thought I had made a good enough impression that I had definitely gotten the position. I was told that I did impress not only her, the Regional, but also the managers that I interviewed with. They were so impressed that they said they would take me as a CSL, but I just didn’t have the coaching skills/experience they were looking for. The other candidates had previous experience that I didn’t have. She said that she talked to my manager and we are going to set up a plan to get me to where I want to be management wise. She didn’t let me do a lot of talking. But the part that sticks out is she said that I’m a diamond in the rough, which she didn’t know existed until the interview. So, I guess I have potential, but now isn’t the right time.

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.-Calvin & Hobbes

All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope.

First off, I wanted to state that we are leaving for this beautiful, sunny location of Destin, Florida a month from today! This will not only be Seth’s first time to the ocean, but mine also! Yes, that’s right I said that I have never been, seen, smelled or touched the ocean in my whole 28 years of life! I’m an ocean virgin!

 

By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh